Thursday, December 22


We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

I am not in control.

I try. Very hard. It does not often work. When it does, I usually screw up.

Good times.

When I accept the fact that I am not in control, things usually end up a bit better... I've found that God usually has a better idea of how it should all work out than I do. He is God after all.

But you know what? God isn't in control either. (Despite the CCM song...) Our free will trumps His control. He will never strip us of the control. He has a perfect understanding of jurisdiction. But should we relinquish our hold, He will gladly "take the wheel."

I don't want Him to be my co-pilot. I will gladly hand over the keys to Him. He knows where I need to go, and how long it should take to get there, better than I ever will.

So why do I have "control issues"? Why do I have such a drive to direct how my life, and everyone else's lives around me, play out?

Pain management. Coping mechanisms. If I can control you, control me, then maybe I won't get hurt this time. Maybe you won't reject me. Maybe there will be less drama, less conflict, less unmet expectations. If I fight the battle before it comes maybe, just maybe, I can win.

But I never actually win, do I?

Because if win, someone has to lose.

My intention is never to hurt anyone else, especially those closest to me, but the prime directive of my flesh is to not get hurt, so better them than me. Better you than me.

But why must anyone get hurt?

Is there any path here that leads to a conclusion without wounds? If anyone knows that way, if anyone can find it, it's God. Jesus. Holy Spirit, guide me! Direct my steps, direct my words, direct my prayers.

Lead me in the path of righteousness. For Your Name's sake.

As I struggled with control this week, this hymn popped into my head:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

And the prayer of the boy's father is my mantra:
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

Lord, I trust. Help my doubt. Help my anxiety. Help my uncertainty, my distrust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

That is the cry of my heart. To have Him directing my path, my steps, lighting my way, guiding my every moment. Oh, that it was easier. To trust Him like I trust my alarm to wake me. Trust my brakes to stop me. Trust every other car to not hit me (mostly - those snowbirds are sketchy). Trust my barista to provide my caffeine. Trust my server to not spit in my food.

How many moments of my life do I give trust without thought?! And yet, trusting the very Creator of the universe gives me pause. Handing Him the reins of my life, of even one moment delivers hesitation.

God, I trust You. With this situation and that one. With every one to follow, every one which is weighing so heavy on my heart.

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Monday, September 15


Last month, I hit a milestone in my life. The biggest one I've hit yet.

I turned 30.

Tuesday, August 27

My Trust Is In...

My trust is in God.

Not drugs. Not doctors. Not my own faith or prayers. Not the faith or prayers of anyone I know. Not in anyone's ideas or knowledge.

God. Jesus. The Holy Spirit.

The only ones I trust.