Wednesday, January 19


Ah failure. I hate you. I absolutely loathe you.

I cannot stand to failing so much that I usually avoid trying anything at all so that I have not chance of failing at anything. That statement in itself is cause for much self-relfection, regret, and probably a book's worth of blog posts. But that's not where I'm at right now.

Right now, I'm trying to pick myself back up and keep moving. But I'm having a really hard time with it. Typically, when I screw up, I give up.

For example, I miss one day of writing. A normal person might just kick themselves for a moment and then write the next day. I, however, kick myself for three full days. And flirt with the idea of not coming back. "It's no use trying if all you do is fail." Many variations of that phrase have bombarded me these past couple of days.

But here I am. Back again. One of my favorite quotes I feel kind of defines me. "Consistency. It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup." Sad, isn't it? I am though. Consistently inconsistent. I really don't know how other people see me, but what I see in the mirror is someone who is barely getting by.

When I think of where I wanted my life to be by the time I was 26 and where my life actually is at 26, I feel like a complete failure. I'm not exactly sure how it all could have been different though.

How much of my past do I regret and how much am I thankful for?

When I look at the "other Beth" I wonder.

Is she really happy? Does she regret anything? Does anyone really know her? How close is she to God?

When I look at me, I can answer.

Yes I am. Absolutely I do. Yes a few do. Closer than ever before.

Well, thanks for joining me on this path of self-discovery. Now I must go to bed. Tomorrow I will wake up and live the life I know I'm supposed to be living. Right here, right now.

Good night.

No comments:

Post a Comment