Tuesday, September 18

Clear as Dishwater

We all go through phases. I know I am not alone in this. If I am, please tell me so I can go seek professional help. But I don't think I'm crazy, so I'll continue with my thoughts here.

A decade or so ago, my cousin went through a fishing phase. In the days before 6,541,987 channels on TV, where 8,197 are fishing shows, he dreamed of being a professional fisherman. In the heat of summer, in the middle of desert, he would take his fishing rod, tie some keys to the end, and practice casting in his back yard.

We all thought he was crazy.

And then came the trumpet phase.
And we stopped up our ears, until we realized he was actually good...

And then came the guitar phase.
And we wondered how long it would last.
Fifteen years later, he's made it a fulfilling career, and we couldn't be prouder.

But I digress.

I'm not sure what phases I went through in my younger years. I think I've blocked out as much embarrassment as possible.

Currently, my phases are revolving, and last anywhere from a few days to a few months.
Here's what I can identify and list:
  • Craving only Pepsi
  • Craving anything but Pepsi, usually choosing one of the following exclusively for each phase:
    • Arizona Raspberry Iced Tea
    • Yoohoo Chocolate Drink
    • Milk
    • Root Beer
    • Ginger Ale
  • Wanting nothing to do with any human beings
  • Wanting to never, ever be alone (on a activity-type level...)
  • Watching TV series
  • Watching movie marathons
  • Spending every free second reading
  • Spending every free second sleeping
  • Spending every free second playing games (Wii or iPad)
  • Wanting to organize everything I own
  • Wanting to sell everything I own
  • Wanting to organize everything everyone else owns
  • Believing I am completely capable on my own
  • Knowing I can't do anything of worth without God
  • Trying to be "everything I should be" on my own
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list. And should you ever catch me discrediting what is listed here, don't throw stones, I'm a complicated person. So enigmatic that I usually don't even understand myself.

I'll be honest. I'm currently in this phase where I just don't want to be single. Every guy I see is assessed, (without getting anywhere near any blurry lines, I assure you) and I subconsciously determine a few things. Physical attractiveness, reciprocating interest, temperament and personality, morals and standards, and faith. The guys I do not know are really hard to gauge beyond the first two. The guys I am acquainted with are easier to survey, but that really doesn't solve anything.

Let me take a moment here to clarify that lust is not something I struggle with. I thank God for that. I have always taken Matthew 5:28 very seriously.
"But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
I do not pretend that my freedom from this vice is anything of my own doing. God's redemption washed my mind of any tendency long ago. And I'm not about to damage His work in me by taking even a single step down that path. If lust is something you do struggle with, I urge you to ask for God's help. I am constantly amazed by His willingness to help us in every area of our lives.

My assessments in this phase really don't benefit me in any way. Once my conscious mind is alerted to the workings of my subconscious, I have this mental conversation:

Conscious mind: "What the heck are you doing?!"
Subconscious mind: "He's cute. And he's making eye contact! Smile!"
C: "No! I don't care! I don't even know him!"
S: "But you could. Maybe if you say hi he'll ask you out."
C: "That only happens in the movies. This is real life."
S: "Movies are based in real life. It could happen."
C: "So what?! You know I'll just freak out and say no. What is the point of this anyway?!"
S: "He's cute. And no ring. I checked."
C: "I hate you when you're like this. Leave me alone."

And then I turn my attention to my phone for the 298th time and try to distract my subconscious with twitter or something.

I am happy to say that this phase of my life comes only every seven months or so. And I hope and pray that it goes away quickly and never comes back.

I like to believe that I am level-headed. Practical. And yet at my core I am sentimental and a hopeless romantic. Essentially, I like to believe that fairy tale endings are real, but will not happen to me, yet I hope I have a knight in shining armor just for me, out there, somewhere.

Like I said, I'm complicated. But not crazy, right? Right?!


  1. Slightly crazy, but that's what makes Beth- Beth. Let's be crazy together-Ok? :D Love you

  2. Thanks Mirjam. I'm okay with slightly crazy, which is good since I'm friends with you... :D Love you too!!