Tuesday, May 28

A Moment of Honesty

Once upon a time, I watched a movie. And read a book. And watched a TV show. And read a fairy tale.

And this is what I learned: Some day, a man will come into my life.

This will not be like any other man.

He will be intrigued by my quirks. Drawn to my weirdness. Not intimidated by my self-sufficiency and independence. He will appreciate my love of sports and dislike of shopping. Love my hair and my scars and my insecurities.

He will thank God for everything about me.

And yet, here I sit, almost 29, alone.

I know I'm not completely alone. I have amazing friends, an incredible family, and an extraordinary, spectacular, miraculous God. I hope I don't sound discontent when I say this, but my life is missing something.

That God has not called me to a life of celibacy. I know I'm going to get married someday. And every day that someday passes is a little harder.

Some days are easier than others. And then the bad days come and every negative thought is screaming in my head, drowning out the still small voice of truth.

Can I be honest? Can I tell you what is loudest? Honestly, I'm not sure where half of these thoughts came from.
I'm single because there's something wrong with me.
I've never dated because no one has ever wanted to (or will want to) date me.
I'd better give up every dream because clearly, my chance has passed.
Who I am at my very core is ugly and therefore I deserve to be alone.
I don't like typing these out. I don't want to read them. I wish my mind was like a white board so I could figure out where these statements came from and erase every single trace of them.

I don't want to shed anymore tears. I don't want to believe this.

But I do.

As much as I want to silence these voices and find the cry of truth, it is proving difficult.

I know all the scriptures. "I know the plans..." "We are pressed, but not crushed..." "I will never leave you..." "Fear not, for I am with you..." "God is love..." "Love never fails..." "Those who wait on the Lord..." "Cast all your cares..." "Be anxious for nothing..." "Hope does not disappoint..." "Seek first the kingdom..." "Be strong and of good courage..." "Every word of God is pure..."

I know songs for some of them. And I must tell you that I do feel better at this moment just reflecting on these truths.

But I also know what life I've lived. Do not take me for a second to be saying that my life is any harder than anyone else's. I know my problems are small. First-world. Insignificant to the general universe. But that's what's in front of me. This is my reality.

As much as I wish this was something that didn't bother me, something that did not matter, all I can tell you is that it bothers me. It matters. To me at least.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

I'm pretty sure it matters to God, too.

I just wish I could hear what He's saying to me in these moments.

I will never leave you. I know the plans. Be strong. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. I use the foolish things to confound the wise. This is not the end. Don't give up. I like your hair. I've got each strand counted.
I love you.
Okay now I'm going to go to bed. And as I fall asleep, I choose to focus on what He's saying, instead of all that other stuff.

Good night all.

Don't give up.

He loves us.

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