Monday, September 15


Last month, I hit a milestone in my life. The biggest one I've hit yet.

I turned 30.

You know that feeling you get when you've told your mom a lie and though you haven't been caught you know you have to confess? Like a burning in your heart? That’s the feeling I get when I tell people my age.

It’s painful to admit. Almost… shameful.

Never before in my life have I been ashamed of my age.

There was a time when I was ashamed of who I was. Tried to hide it. Be somebody else. But never my age.

I've always enjoyed telling people my age and watching them react in disbelief. But not right now. Right now it hurts to say. And I thoroughly dislike this feeling.

Oh, Jesus, where did this shame come from? I know it’s not from You. You would never make me feel like this.

Shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation. Disgrace. Ignominy. Mortification. Dishonor. (Dishonor on you! Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on your cow! …I couldn't help myself…

I had been told that 30 was different. I did not give it much credit. Because 29 was so easy to say. No pain. No discomfort. It was almost 30, but it wasn’t 30. And 30 has been just that. Uncomfortable.

I can't figure out why and that seriously bugs me. What is the root?

Is it because I’m single? Single and 30 and living at home. Ugh. Single and 30 and decidedly not living out the dreams I had at 20.

I've been an "adult" for 12 years now. Been driving for 14. Been legally allowed to drink for 9. I was a senior in high school on 9/11. I’ve had at 10 jobs. The longest was for 3 years, in 2 different states. I've lived in 12 apartments, with 31 different roommates. And through it all, I've drank a whole lot of Pepsi…

I've lived for 30 years. Lived. Thirty full years. Some full of regret, but most full of joy and a little bit of adventure. I've learned from most of my mistakes. I've tried to learned from others' mistakes.

I am not ashamed of who I am, and these 30 years have made me who I am.

So right now, it may be painful to admit I'm 30. But I'm coming to terms with it, and I know that soon, I'll proclaim it proudly, just like I did every year before.

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