Lately, I've felt something big was coming in my life. Something... monumental.

I remember feeling this same way about eleven years ago. Journaled about it. Something huge was happening in my life, or the life of someone close to me. The feeling lasted a few weeks, then gradually faded. I remember writing, "I wonder when I'll know what happened," believing in faith that God had done something, and while it was not revealed to me in the moment, I trusted it would become clear. Someday.

Fast forward five and half years, and my brother and his wife begin fostering a little girl, with the intention to adopt her.

Around her sixth birthday, I recalled that feeling, that moment I'd journaled, and scrambled through my journals trying to find the exact date.

Sure enough, that huge thing that happened was the birth of my Birdie Jo. It took years of waiting and pain to see the fruition, but, man, was it worth it. (I say this as the sister/in-law/aunt (Nini) who hasn't had to deal with nearly the same pain as Ben and Bex and Birdie...)

The past few months, I've felt this way once again. It started gradually, and slowly, without me noticing, turned into Something Big™️. I think I know what it is, and, let me tell you, I'm terrified.

A few weeks ago, one of my coworkers mentioned that he'd like to go skydiving before a Remote Week. (It's a week when all the employees who work remotely come out to work from the office for a week there in San Diego. It's chaotic and so fun, and I wish there were more.) "One of these times" quickly turned into "next time". Groupon was mentioned, people started signing up, and before I knew it, I had booked my jump.

Skydiving isn't something I've talked about doing. Ever. I have a cousin who has jumped many times, and I remember the thought of maybe going one day crossing my mind, but that was about it. So why now? Honestly, I'm not sure. Here are the reasons I can think of:
  • I can afford it at this time of my life
  • I love doing anything with my coworkers, and especially my boss.
  • I do like heights and roller coasters and those adrenaline-y things, as long as there's no risk of serious injury.
So... Why not?

[Deep breath.]

The thought of skydiving, imagining being in a plane that I will not land in, or standing at the door, about to take a step out of a plane in the sky, is enough to get my heart rate up as I sit here and type. I have no idea what it will really be like, but my overactive imagination is doing its best to show me.

This moment in my life feels a lot like I imagine the skydiving to feel.

And yet, I know with skydiving, I'll be securely strapped to a professional, with so many safety measures and protocols it'll make my head spin. But this moment here in time feels like there's a lot more at risk. Like my whole future is at risk. Like if I mess this up, I will have messed up my only chance.

Terrified, I tell you.

And yet...

You will stay true
Even when the lies come
Your word remains truth
Even when my thoughts don't line up
I will stand tall
On each promise You made
Let the rest fade away

There's a peace far beyond all understanding
May it ever set my heart at ease
Dare anxiety come, I'll remember that peace is a promise You keep
Peace is a promise You keep

You will stay true
Even in the chaos
Your word remains truth
Even when my mind wreaks havoc
I will be still
For I've known all along
My Jehovah Shalom

There's a peace far beyond all understanding
May it ever set my heart at ease
What anxiety fails to remember is peace is a promise You keep
Peace is a promise You keep

You are peace to a restless soul
Peace when my thoughts wage war
Peace to the anxious heart
That's who You are, that's who You are

You are peace when my fear takes hold
Peace when I feel enclosed
Peace when I lose control
That's who You are, that's who You are

I've found peace far beyond all understanding
Let it flow when my mind's under siege
All anxiety bows in the presence of Jesus the Keeper of Peace
And peace is a promise He keeps

Songwriters: Benjamin Hastings / Melodie Wagner / Michael Fatkin

I'm not alone. And I don't just have a professional with safety measures and protocols. I have the Very Same God who spoke this universe into existence. And He's not just with me, He's in me. Guiding me, speaking to me and through me.

“and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
My emotions and thoughts are all over the map right now. But my trust is not in them. My trust is in my God, who created me, redeemed me, and called me to live a life of faith and trust. Not a perfect, mess-free life, or even a life without pain, but a life leaning on Him and not myself or anyone else.



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